Remembering

Yesterday was one year since my friend Amanda died. Hard to believe that a year has passed, and still harder to believe that she has in fact gone. Acceptance will come with time. Understanding, I am really not sure....

I felt really sad yesterday, imagining the suffering she went through, the grief of her family. I felt angry again that someone as good as her had to die so young. Only 34 years old.

I miss her so much, it really hurts. I have her photo on my fridge, and each time I see her I smile, but inside I also feel really sad. A mixed bag of emotions.

I just hope I never forget the times we spent together. My fear is that over time, I'll start to forget the moments we shared. This year I've not kept in physical contact with mutual friends we had. Possibly a defence mechanism on my part, part of the denial I have. There was 4 of us, who were close at uni - Monty lives in SF now, and Rani is still here in Sydney. In some ways, it's easier for me, that we don't see each other, even though the healthier thing is for us to stay in touch more often and support each other.

When Amanda died, this sounds so corny, but a part of me changed. This past year has really been a confusing one for me. The future is so uncertain now. Tomorrow everything could change. I can't see any point in dwelling on trivialities, and nor can I understand or accept the selfishness of others.

After suffering severe headaches, dizziness and nausea myself for the past 1.5 months, my CT scan this morning came up clear. Relieving news. The test revealed a sinus problem, which was not unexpected.

However, I still miss Amanda, and wish that things were different.